Last Episode

when i hyperfixate on a show, i don't watch the last episode. i get scared & i dont wanna finish the series. it's the suffocating awareness that i'll only be able to watch it once. so i rewatch my favourite episodes, listen to the soundtrack, save fanart, etc. i fear that the ending might make me feel something. why am i scared of my feelings?

it's funny that i relate to tsukishima so much because he's the same way. and honestly i felt myself going through his arc with him. i went from "it's just a show," trying not to get too attached because i only ever watch super lighthearted shows that i know wont make me sad. i was scared that karasuno would lose a game or that a character might get injured, and i knew that i'd be sad if it did happen. so i tried not to get too interested. then around season two or three, i finally admitted to liking haikyuu. and i finally let myself get attached to the characters. and it did hurt. i felt really sad for characters like suga and oikawa.

thing is, i think i might have enjoyed the show more if i let myself get attached from the start. sure, i'd feel sad when they lose, but i'd also be so much more excited and happy when something really cool happens. if, when i had the opportunity to watch it for the first time, i was actually into it.. i'd've appreciated it so much more! and i would have had a better time. instead of feeling like i wasted the first two seasons telling myself not to care.

now that i do care, it's a better time than ever to watch the last episode. i'm aware of how special it is to be able to watch it for the first time, and i absolutely appreciate everything that led up to this moment. i know all this, but... i'm still scared. i dont want to watch the last episode.