For background, I ran a music meme page. Sure, yeah, that’s stupid. But I met really good friends there. But here’s the thing, I lied about my age. I’m 12 right now. But this was a while ago, so throughout this story I’m 9 to 11
I was added to a groupchat for weezer fans (stupid, I know.) and I got along with everyone very well. They were all sweet to me, and despite me lying about my age (I told them I was ‘young but mature for my age’ and they never questioned it) they treated me like the baby of the group
After a while the group went from discussing new weezer content and shit, we started discussing personal topics, such as home life and relationships. Although NSFW shit like kinks and fetishes. My idea of a healthy bdsm relationship was formed off of porn and fanfiction. I started openly talking about my love for DDLG and pet play and other things children shouldn’t be open about.
I recently Logged back onto that account after abandoning it without saying goodbye. I looked through our old messages (as when I left, the chat was abandoned as well, nobody spoke anymore.)
Most of the old messages hurt. A lot. They weren’t mean, they were nice. I had no friends at school, so I’d sneak my phone out at recess and lunchtime to talk to them to keep me company. They were all sweet, they gave me cute nicknames and made me feel loved. But they all thought I was older, and I knew that they were older.
I lied to them
There was me and another person, I’ll call them K. K and i were basically eachothers therapist. We vented to eachother about things, and just talked and had fun. Our friendship was platonic, but sometimes we flirted. Nothing happened. I wasn’t groomed, K wasn’t a pedophile. I was just a liar.
I miss them. I wish I could go back in time and never met them, because I wouldn’t feel so guilty. When I logged back on I told them the truth, they took it well enough. They probably felt so embarrassed for talking to a CHILD, a LYING CHILD.
I’m so angry at myself. So fucking angry
I’m such an idiot
school is really biting me in the ass.
I’ve been at this damn place for 8 years, I know everything about it. to the shitty elevators that don’t work (talk about ableism ~_~) to the nearly abandoned bottom floor. at least I’m leaving next year. half of the people in my grade are moving to the new school with me, the others aren’t. I recently found out that my least favourite people aren’t going to the school I’m going to, isn’t that fun? I won’t be called a faggot anymore!
but there’s going to be new people at the school so.. maybe a larger group of people will call me a fag and throw shit at me.
I plan to transition over the summer, if I’m even allowed to, coming out is going to be a bitch. also on the brightside! I picked a name! it’s a j name, which I’m sure I’ll get hated on for, but it’s my name. it feels almost natural to me, all my friends have been using he/him and they/them for me and using my new name, it makes me feel like myself. I do prefer he over they, but it’s nice to hear anyway.
my sexuality is really fucking me though. before I figured out I was trans I was really stuck to the lesbian label, but that’s not me. sure, I do like girls (a lot, but I’ll get to that later) but something about boys is just so.. so! you know what I mean? it’s confusing, because I thought I was a straight trans guy, I don’t know anymore. labels suck, fuck labels. I’ll just say I’m unlabelled.
anyway, onto girls. I like them a lot. there’s this girl that’s at my current school, and I’m praying to a god I don’t believe in that she’s going to my new one. she’s so pretty, we listen to the same music as well. she’s alternative, looks goth but said that she doesn’t like sticking to one label. I don’t know if she’s into me, probably not. she does message me to talk about music from time to time, she recently told me that I got her into leathermouth since I posted them on my Instagram story, I’m really happy about that!
anyway, that concludes my online diary entry. I’m going to watch life on the murder scene (I bought a physical copy of it!) and do the homework I’ve been neglecting... french, if you’re wondering.
sincerely, INHNo Comment
I've decided to make this into just my online diary lol,, updated maybe once a week (if anyone cares,, haha)
anyway, I know i mentioned before that I'm questioning my gender and that I'm thinking of changing my name. well, I am thinking of options but I decided I'm not going to use my actual name here. I know I've been saying insert name here so maybe I'll call myself INH or a name that have those letters. to be honest I can't name any names that start with INH because I'm not the smartest but whatever.
anyway,, I've recently been obsessing over gabe saporta for some reason.. so heres this: https://images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/154d8ca8-78ed-4682-bbdf-36df2fb3ae01/d2g0aa5-2951cc25-3c63-43bd-ad1a-fb488951e555.jpg?token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9.eyJzdWIiOiJ1cm46YXBwOiIsImlzcyI6InVybjphcHA6Iiwib2JqIjpbW3sicGF0aCI6IlwvZlwvMTU0ZDhjYTgtNzhlZC00NjgyLWJiZGYtMzZkZjJmYjNhZTAxXC9kMmcwYWE1LTI5NTFjYzI1LTNjNjMtNDNiZC1hZDFhLWZiNDg4OTUxZTU1NS5qcGcifV1dLCJhdWQiOlsidXJuOnNlcnZpY2U6ZmlsZS5kb3dubG9hZCJdfQ.KcIMdRbHLqHroolUXXf4q6RyxXl6OsI_tReS8mdFa04
I'm not quite sure what I'm planning on posting here. maybe pictures?? poetry?? who knows! I would tell you my name, but I hate it, so I'll do a name reveal once I finally picked out a name that doesn't make me feel like shit when someone uses it.
so.. a little more about me: I'm annoying, I play guitar, I dress like an idiot, unfortunately I am 12 but I've had internet access since the age of 4. my goal for this page is to either look back at it in 10 years and be embarrassed, or just stay exactly the same and look back at it in a positive way.
I am questioning my gender but I'm like 90% sure I'm a boy but you never know what will happen, especially since I have a mildly transphobic dad (he won't hurt me. he believes that you can do whatever you want with your body but he refuses to use the right name and or pronouns.) he'll come around though.. hopefully.
so anyways, this is the end. expect more rambling and/or venting from me here as this is one of the only platforms my parents don't know I have (god forbid they find it)