I don't even know what to fucking say anymore. It's all just a cycle at this point and I'm so fucking sick of it. The entire purpose of this stupid account is for me to let all my feelings our but I can't do it. It feels selfish.1 Comment
Im moving. NC to VA. what the fuck. IVE BEEN DOING SO WELL AND NOW SUDDENLY MY PARENTS SAY "we're moving states." WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK. WHY????? THIS IS TOTAL BULLSHIT. I WAS SO EXCITED TO BE ABLE TO SEE MY REMAINING FRIENDS IN PERSON AND NOW I HAVE TO MOVE AWAY? IS THAT WHY ITS BEEN SO GOOD THIS WEEK? JUST TO LEAVE EVERYTHING BEHIND?? I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY WE'RE MOVING, IM SURE THEY HAVE A REASON BUT WHY RIGHT NOW??? WHAT DOES THE FUCKING UNIVERSE HAVE AGAINST ME??5 Comments
heyo I'm kinda back..?
I posted somethin' yesterday but I left right after. Life has actually been pretty good for the past few days. I met up with some old friends (while staying safe ofc) and I've been improving my grades for this semester. I almost feel like it's too good to be true? Something bad might happen, I'm not hinting towards anything but I can't help it. Everything has been so much easier ever since I've gone back to school for good that It's starting to scare me. I might have jinxed it but oh well. I went on a run today with my cousins and cried to 'drivers license' by Olivia Rodrigo, it's really cringey thinking about it now but it lowkey hit different today. I don't know why lol anyways I don't have anything else to say. It's weird looking back at the other two 'vents' that I wrote since I wrote a bit more than I expected. Anyways expect me to finally go back to my main in the next week or so since I've been doing well mentally, physically, and emotionally.
here are some songs ig. most of the original videos are blocked on this fuckin' computer so just search em' up on your own time, or don't- it's your choice.
-literally the entire apricot princess album by rex orange county
-lost in japan - shawn mendes (i stg nobody talks about this song but it SLAPS)
-space girl - frances forever
-why'd you only call me when you're high? - arctic monkeys
-505 - arctic monkeys
-fluorescent adolescent - arctic monkeys (personal fav right now and also don't mind the three songs in a row made by them)
-pluto projector - rex orange county
-afterglow - the driver era
-boyfriend - coin
-good advice - khai dreams
-let's fall in love for the night - finneas (both the original and the 1964 version)
-peanut butter - easy life
-I don't want to - alessia cara
-tunnel of love - ilytommy (my alexa played this once and now it plays in my head 24/7)
-take yourself home - troye sivan
-strawberries and cigarettes - troye sivian
-church - boylife (lower your volume for this one though)
-paper rings - taylor swift
-loverboy - a-wall
I stg if anyone makes fun of these songs I will cry </3
ALSO, SIDE NOTE I ALMOST LOST THIS ENTIRE BLOG BECAUSE MY DUMBASS CLOSED THIS TAB INSTEAD OF ANOTHER ONE WHBCHBWVIW MY HEART STOPPED LMAO
uh so I’m on the bus rn because I’m going back for the rest of the year please pray for me <\3
10:15 am- yo wtf since when were all my teachers so fucking tall
12:58 pm- bye I forgot to eat lunch I'm gonna starve #brocken streaks dhmu
1:35 pm- mf im about to jump out a window I stg this test is going to fry my brain.
2:19 pm- AYO GUESS WHAT?? YOUR BITCH JUST GOT THE HELL OUTTA HERE!1!1!1!1!1 anyways later i’ll tell y’all what happened because this mf bus is going at like, 100 mph i swear we might get into an accident3 Comments
another day, another rant....?
today was a bit better, surprisingly. I ate more today. Which was kind of weird, but it felt nice to eat instead of feeling hungry until dinner. I watched a few videos on murder cases, they're pretty interesting- in a bad way. It feels weird listening to people talking about brutal murders, it's really scary but I guess it just kills my time. I usually end up watching the same ones. not because I enjoy that specific case, but because I'm afraid that there will be certain this that really trigger me. I remember I
watched a video on the Moors Murders. It was a three-part series. I forced myself to watch it, I don't know why. It's scary how Ian and Myra just buried the kids in the moors and just took photos of them on top of the bodies. It's also sad because one(?) of the bodies still haven't been recovered to this day. Anyways enough about the Moors Murders. Do you think it's bad to eat a blue popsicle if you're a girl? that's what my mom thinks. My little brother bought some popsicles just because paw patrol was on the box, there were three colors. red, blue, and pink. If you've watched paw patrol then you might know which color belongs to who. I only watch that show because my brother lowkey forces me to lol. anyways I just grabbed one from the box and I got a blue one. I think the dog's name was Chase and he's a cop or somethin'? anyways I was just chilling (no pun intended) and my mom walked in. "why are you eating the Chase-themed one? You're supposed to be eating the Sky-themed (pink) one! Throw that away and get a pink one." uh... since when was I not allowed to eat a certain popsicle just because it wasn't a 'feminine color'? I didn't even pick that one on purpose? I wanted to reason with her but I knew my ass would be beaten if I didn't do as she told me. anyways not much happened after that. I don't know what else to write so I'll just end it here.
I feel weird writing vents here. maybe I'll be comfortable writing these soon. I just want to write how I feel so far. today I feel scared, alone, and tired. scared because who know what the hell my p̶͍͓̜͕̖̙͛͒̄͠A̴̖̖̼̔R̴̢͈͇̰̫͒͑͆̓̃̒̽͋̄̕͜ḙ̷̱̗͙̾n̷͍͒̈́͐̏T̷̪̠͂̂ş̴̛̣͂̈́̌̿ will do to me. im fucking trapped in this house. I feel alone because the people who are supposed to be there for ṁ̶̰̻͇̯̦̩̫̰ͅͅE̴̢̜̳̩̖̗̖̚ͅ always hurt me. I feel tired because no matter how much I try, im never good enough. im sick of it. I never live up to the high expectations that everyone in my family wants to achieve. I never end up getting good enough grades which always end up to me getting physically hurt by my p̶̧̧̺̗͈̠̠͖͙̩͛͆͝a̶̱̻̥̝̪̳͓̣̾̏R̵̖̺̦̼̯̺̩̤͉̅̓̇̄̅̎e̶̢̛̩͚̹̩͓̊̈̏̒̑̽̓̽̕n̷̡̝͕̝̰̘̠̤̈̐͒̍͐́͜͝t̷̬̱̩̞̖̥̓͂͊̆̑̓͝Ş̶̳̼̬͕͖̞̯̣͔̑. it hurts. it really does. because I always want to make them proud. I wish they could see that I try to do my best. at this point it's only for them and not for me. I have difficulty learning because I have ADHD, my doctors told my parents what they should do about it. but it only made them angrier and more strict. they don't even try to help me because it's "just a made-up disease by the government to give them more money.". my social anxiety doesn't make this any better. I want help from my teachers but I always end up having an anxiety attack which then leads to a panic attack. my P̷̥̿̏̈̊̈́̓̂͘̕͠ä̵̝̗́̒̍̄̓̒r̷̤̘͓̼̳͂̈́̃͒̃̈́͒̓̇E̶̳̼̰̫̬͋͘͝N̶̨͍͕̠̖̰̳̝̒͑̋̆̆̓̿̈̌̚t̵͇̟̯̮͕͌̍̈̐̒̕s̶̡̛͍̩̤̝̰͕̯ think im faking it too. I try my best to finish my tasks and to do them as perfectly as I possibly can. im always pressured and compared to other kids in my classes. it's always a constant battle between me and the world. and I might just willingly give up.3 Comments