Today I was really sad for some reason. I started a drawing which got deleted accidentally, and every little thing was getting to me. I really tried to fix my mood and be tolerant because I don't want to be a weak person, but I really hated myself today and in general I feel very weak. In the past I'd SH to convince myself i was strong, but I've been working so hard to stop doing that. I've never been good at hiding my emotions, people used to say I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I've always hated that about myself, because eventually people stop caring when you need them to or on the other hand try to look out for you and supervise you when you would much rather keep your emotions private.
The type of care people extend is never non judgmental, and I'm tired of being the person that needs everyone's help all the time. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but I worry that everyone's care and concern is just an excuse to control me and remove my autonomy from me. To me it can't feel like I'll ever be choosing to recover if the alternative is getting 5150'd and losing my freedom. So is any progress I make really real? or am I just lying to myself and everyone around me? To me it doesn't feel any better to only stop hurting myself on fear of being locked up, I still hate myself so I'm still no better. I want to recover because I WANT to recover, not because my only other option is being stripped of my autonomy.
I know I should talk to a therapist or something, but honestly, I don't want anyone meddling in my life. I don't really trust anyone. I feel like a very weak person for having to talk about these things at all, because I know so many people who are able to grin and bear it. I hate everything about myself, I started this blog as overflow for my thoughts because I worry that I'm so loud and annoying that no one around me can stand it. I don't want to talk to people anymore because everything I say or do is seen as a joke, but for some reason I cant seem to stop myself from talking and talking and talking. I don't think I really have any good qualities, besides maybe being funny, but the thing about that is, I'm not making the jokes, I am the joke. Everyone around me finds my existence funny and I know the more seriously I take myself the worse it will get. My mom has made dirty jokes for as long as I can remember, and it starts to feel like I'm the biggest of them.
Still, I don't want to be depressing. I haven't cut myself or had any alcohol this year, so I'm making progress no matter how small, maybe next year I will feel differently about myself. For now I managed to have a bad day without hurting myself, I ate two full meals, and a cereal bar, and I got out of bed. So I'm better than I was at least. :)