I was inactive on here for a while and oh boy did I have a depressive episode. but I am somewhat better now, I even organized my bookshelf and I feel less like isolating myself. I'm reading the book version of the last unicorn. I like it a lot. I own so many books now, and I still feel like buying more. I tried to make gumbo and burnt my hand making roux, (it blistered) the food was okay tasting. Also I'm fully vaccinated to covid-19. I'd be lying if i said i was super exited for social events again, but I'm looking forward to eating in diners, I've missed those. I went to Ihop a while ago, It's just not the same during a pandemic.

I slept through most of my zoom classes and I'm pretty sure my friends don't like me. Im really behind. nothing eventful happened. all evening I just felt like I wasn't real and then the day ended (i mean its not over yet its 11 pm)
anyway, if anyone reads this comment about something you're interested in, I'm trying to be a little bit positive. maybe I'll feel better tomorrow when I have easier classes. heres hoping :)

Did anyone see episode ten of wonder egg priority? They had a trans boy. His name was Kaoru. I was a little confused as to how that could happen, because beforehand they said that only girls could be in the wonder eggs. So I don't know if that means, that they were wrong, they were lying, or (the less preferable option) he still counts as a girl. I hope they actually explain that, but the episode was really good, the character had a pretty sad backstory, but he wasn't all mopey or anything, he was fun and charismatic and flirted with Momoe in a perfectly masculine way. I think he was a really good trans character, I'm really happy because I don't see a lot of ftm characters, let alone well written ones.
"https://yuriempire.files.wordpress.com/2021/03/kaoru-kun-1.jpg?w=584"

Today I was really sad for some reason. I started a drawing which got deleted accidentally, and every little thing was getting to me. I really tried to fix my mood and be tolerant because I don't want to be a weak person, but I really hated myself today and in general I feel very weak. In the past I'd SH to convince myself i was strong, but I've been working so hard to stop doing that. I've never been good at hiding my emotions, people used to say I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I've always hated that about myself, because eventually people stop caring when you need them to or on the other hand try to look out for you and supervise you when you would much rather keep your emotions private.
The type of care people extend is never non judgmental, and I'm tired of being the person that needs everyone's help all the time. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but I worry that everyone's care and concern is just an excuse to control me and remove my autonomy from me. To me it can't feel like I'll ever be choosing to recover if the alternative is getting 5150'd and losing my freedom. So is any progress I make really real? or am I just lying to myself and everyone around me? To me it doesn't feel any better to only stop hurting myself on fear of being locked up, I still hate myself so I'm still no better. I want to recover because I WANT to recover, not because my only other option is being stripped of my autonomy.
I know I should talk to a therapist or something, but honestly, I don't want anyone meddling in my life. I don't really trust anyone. I feel like a very weak person for having to talk about these things at all, because I know so many people who are able to grin and bear it. I hate everything about myself, I started this blog as overflow for my thoughts because I worry that I'm so loud and annoying that no one around me can stand it. I don't want to talk to people anymore because everything I say or do is seen as a joke, but for some reason I cant seem to stop myself from talking and talking and talking. I don't think I really have any good qualities, besides maybe being funny, but the thing about that is, I'm not making the jokes, I am the joke. Everyone around me finds my existence funny and I know the more seriously I take myself the worse it will get. My mom has made dirty jokes for as long as I can remember, and it starts to feel like I'm the biggest of them.
Still, I don't want to be depressing. I haven't cut myself or had any alcohol this year, so I'm making progress no matter how small, maybe next year I will feel differently about myself. For now I managed to have a bad day without hurting myself, I ate two full meals, and a cereal bar, and I got out of bed. So I'm better than I was at least. :)

I dont know if this is just a me thing, but I find myself maladaptive daydreaming about living alone in a studio apartment a lot. My current housing situation is pretty toxic and stressful,not to mention, yesterday our boiler broke so the water in all the taps spins a roulette wheel before deciding if its going to be icy or scalding. Everything else is in varying stages of decrepit. That being said I've kind of gotten lost in the idea of what id do with the extra money of living alone. I know what kind of bedframe, pillows, wall art, and kitchenware I want, and even seeing a decent washing machine fills me with a kind of mundane longing that I feel I'm far too young to be experiencing (our washing machine doesn't work).
I'll buy a red enamel kettle, a nonstick pan, a wok, a good washing machine and a good fridge, good soap and shampoo, and a nice table to put my snake's terrarium on, I want one of those metal bedframes with good storage underneath, and I want Jenna Barton and Sachiko prints. I'll put up a really obscene pin-up because no one can stop me, and I'll buy a nice duvet. Ill buy a second hand dvd player, and a box tv from someone's garage, and a portable radio. I might even go vegetarian, who knows. I know these things seem really boring to a lot of people, but they are my ideals for life and the thought of being able to enjoy practical sensible amenities set up the way I want them and make a space my own, is the thing that keeps me from offing myself, so I wanted to share it incase anyone else finds this kind of stuff inspiring or motivating, or just funny. (oh! and I want a rice cooker, I cant cook rice for shit, it always comes out mushy yet somehow also undercooked, tell me how to cook rice and I'll love you forever)
"http://i.imgur.com/0byg3HK.jpg"

has anyone seen wonder egg priority? I liked it a lot, especially Ai and Rika. its almost like some kind of menhera-kei style magical girl anime. I really loved Rika's dynamic with her mother, it was very relateable. people on the outside see how much you hate your parents and become judgemental, but they don't ever have the full context of how crappy they've been. honestly I think this show is one of the best things I've seen when it comes to talking about guilt. lots of TV shows find a way to make the guilt obviously irrational, and not the character's fault, but where does it leave us who have done bad things and are unable to forgive ourselves. The colour palette is great too. The blue and yellow of Ai's character is one of my favorite colour combos, but for whatever reason triadic colour schemes are less popular and no one ever seems to use them, especially blue and yellow. <img src="https://somoskudasai.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/portada_wonder-egg-4.jpg&quot; alt="▷ Wonder Egg Priority Original Anime will have 12 episodes 〜 Anime Sweet 💕"/>
isn't it just so pretty!

I want to read boys run the riot, I dont have any money though :<
Manga reading feels like a really expensive hobby in the US.
ive splurged too much money on harrow county comics as it is (speaking of which, if anyone has wants to sell 8-? hmu)
and manga seems even more expensive. Ill have to figure it out...

I'm kind of a lonely person lately, people who know me in real life know that i tend to be overbearing, so I try to tone down how much I talk to my friends just so they dont get tired of me. I end up talking about myself a lot and it kind of makes me an asshole. Interacting with my family, especially my mom, is pretty hard for me, because of how temperamental she is, and talking about my feelings with her is like walking on eggshells, especially because I know she'll use it against me later. anyway, because of all of this, I am really lonely. I dont really feel like i have a sense of community with other people like me, especially because trans men all in all arent very seen. So im going to be talking about my feelings to this blog. I dont really expect anyone to read it, and Id prefer if no one talked to me about it, but this is a good anonymous place to get things off my chest.

Hi I'm Mephistopheles! (not really but u know, anonymity)
you should chat with me, if youre a fan of the following: (long list)
Music:
the velvet underground
Iron maiden
tears for fears
The The
Mitski
Hozier
David Bowie
Pink floyd

TV/movies:
perfect blue
hxh
(not if you like hisoka or chrollo, thats creepy)
ouran
naruto
the witcher
mo dao zu shi/the untamed
mushi shi
(any malaysian horror movies, theyre all good for some reason)
anything ghibli

misc:
art
occultism/ folklore
rimbaud
jean paul satre
botany
Nice to meet u in advance :)