uh oh mental ilkness

neck aches
just on one side
a muscle strained from
the monumental effort of lifting my head above my shoulders
keeping it in some semblance of normalcy

crooning voices through shitty headphones on the bus
ear aches
body aches

from hunger
excess fat pooling around my thighs
i could swim in it if i wanted
drown in myself maybe
or waste away as i’m meant to

walking home
burning it off and getting caught in the rain
deserved droplets trailing down my ankles

driver stops to let me cross
feel terrible for the kids in the back that had to stop for no reason
feel terrible
keep going

collapse on the bed
as i get home
unearned relief

limbs fuse with the mattress
no seam between human and inanimate object

so heavy all so heavy
body could be a body on jupiter
hands, claws grasping reaching pulling for rings of saturn

out of bed walk to the scales there’s a good girl
so heavy heavy
numbers glare at me
glare at you

write them
catalogue them
commit them
recite them
pledge them

live them you stupid stupid fuck
don’t die