I wrote out an entire blog post, only for this infernal website to have logged me out in the middle of writing without my realization.

I... really need to start copy + pasting these things into Google Docs before I try to hit post.

I'm sure as hell not typing all of that bullshit out again... basically, I talked about making a blog for an OC, wherein I tell their story using only the blog itself. I settled on a half werewolf, half vampire, which I am aware sounds very cliche, but I assure you I had proper justification in the blog that MySpace decided to rob me of.

The next post will be some character design shit... maybe I'll have the energy to re-explain then.

He's screaming at us again. This time it's over the placement of the cat food--a trivial thing in most other households. but when he gets riled up like this, he acts without thinking.

It never... gets easier to sit through it.

The constant barrage of noise echoes against the inner walls of my ear drums, numbing my thoughts with harsh words long before I can think to answer. My lip quivers before I can start to speak, the tears rush to my eyes, and before I can say anything I become completely overwhelmed. I parrot back what he wants to hear in order to spare myself, but it's never enough. His sharp tongue cuts me like a blade of silver plunged into my heart, hitting me right where it hurts the most.

"How are you ever going to hold a job?"

I blink. His question remains unanswered as I try to slip away, fighting back the urge to let out any sound.

"Are you going to break down and cry when your boss yells at you?"

There are too many thoughts swirling through my head to tell him the truth. A truth that would surely cause him to bring out words to obliterate any sense of self love I've managed to hide from his gaping maw in the past. The only truth he sees is the one he's laid out in front of himself--a thick wall shielding him from the feelings and reactions of others. He does not truly care for my answer, but the one he expects me to give to him, just so he can scream some more.

It never gets better.

The memories flood back to me as I sit here. They come back every time, the moments that haunt me the most. Visions of a child begging for the sound to stop, only for it to be blasted louder. A father red with anger as he refuses to believe tears are a natural reaction.

I'm faking. I'm crying for sympathy. I'm doing it to taunt him. I'm escaping my punishment. I'm weak.

All while the insults get hurled at my young brain, too small to comprehend what required such an explosive reaction. The sound waves hit my unshielded body, the mental blow too much for me to handle. I crumple, a wilted flower poisoned by the chemicals spewing out of his filthy mouth, yet he continues his attack.

I am forever damaged by the wounds given to me at such a young age. The countless years I've spent training myself to stand tall in the face of it all dissipate when he uses his weapon. I am brought back those painful memories of my past, unable to think or percieve new information.

He will never begin to understand how I've forced myself to grow up much faster than most, in order to handle the sheer noise of it all, only for that to come crashing down once he gets mad. He is my one weakness, my downfall. He is the reason I fear the sound. If it were anybody else, I would be fully equipped due to what he's put me through after all this time. He is the reason I tremble. His screams make me ache--not the sounds some stranger.

But he will never realize this truth. All I can do is sink into my bed and wait until the next outburst. I can hope to be as good as possible, to have no slip-ups and make no mistakes... but even perfection won't satisfy the beast residing within his core.

I am but a dog, conditioned to whimper when scolded by my cruel master.

Seriously, that's it. That's the whole post.

This isn't about necessarily about minors, as my rants on my mage page have been about them in the past, but they also need to learn to respect my boundaries.

A concerning amount of H/mest/ckers have tried to add my main page. I have put that media in my DNI for a reason; it makes me uncomfortable, and certain characters legitimately trigger me. I explicitly put my DNI front and center on every single social media platform I'm on in order to avoid an anxiety attack. While my simple DNI on MySpace doesn't state how uncomfortable it makes me feel, I've made it short and sweet for a reason. My carrd goes in depth about my triggers, although I do realize not everyone will find the link, hence the big warning at the top of the screen. People can click on my page, see immediately that I don't enjoy the content, and move on.

Yet, I still get people with fucking H/mest/ck shit as their avatar in my requests.

I can only assume these people see my page and add me immediately upon seeing the CSS. It... angers me to no end. I can understand somewhat while on mobile; the extended box appears below the "add" button. However, there is simply no excuse to avoid it on desktop. Even if they happen to miss it, I explain my triggers in my carrd for a reason.

When somebody blatantly breaks my DNI, I can only assume they've read absolutely nothing on my goddamn page. It feels like a slap in the face. There is a person behind the pretty screen, and I deserve to be respected. I legitimately don't understand the concept of adding profiles left and right without reading them, especially in a day and age where DNIs, carrds, and trigger lists are common.

I hate complaining like this, but it is legitimately for my own safety. I read through every single profile I click on in order to make sure we don't have conflicting interests... including the ones who request to add me. Sure, I can easily avoid pages with H/mest/ck as the avatar, but I have no way to tell if that shit is on their main page. There have been several instances where I've clicked a profile in my requests, only to be bombarded with characters that trigger me.

I don't deserve to be triggered simply because an asshole on the internet cannot stop for five seconds and read my goddamn page.

It is... tiring. So goddamn tiring. I don't even want to post this, considering how stupid I think I sound. I shouldn't... need to be upset over this. I shouldn't need to be aggressive and hostile; it makes me feel guilty and rude. But in this case? I feel I have to be.

To those who stumble upon this blog innocently: I apologize for my brash tone. You do not deserve to be ranted at. But to those who choose to break my DNI and disrespect my triggers? Please, for the love of god, fuck off.