hey yall! just came to check in on u. how have yall been!! I'm good:D talking to this girl, who I'm gonna meet in like, two weeks? man I really like her skdnfsjdf i hope this leads us somewhere

anywho take care!! and stay hydrated <33

hey everyone?

so: life. what the fuck is it.

i don't know, and I kinda really have been wanting to know. before my purpose was to go to school, spend some time with my friends, and study so I can get to a good uni, yada yada. but now? it feels like bs KASJDNFKSN i mean, losing the whole social part of school, only connecting through the internet, school just doesn't seem interesting anymore? its not like I WANTED to go to school, but do I miss it now that its gone? hell yes.

i feel like I'm missing out. I know EVERYONE is. that makes me feel more guilty about not being happy with my life HAHAHA. bc hey! i have a nice house, a nice family, and I'm in a great school. still I feel something is missing and it's driving me crazy.

i guess what's missing is the THRILL of life, yk? walking in the street with no worries but getting home at a decent time, being able to actually be outside and... free? is that too dramatic? probably is.

i don't know man, I just feel a little bit down. it feels like, with this state of the world, there is no way out. but yk, things get better right? they always HAVE to. as a GREAT philosopher once said (john mulaney): "things get better, they always do. and then things will get worse, they always do". its the cycle of life, baby.

anywho, if anybody is still reading this, how do you do? are u okay or are u having an existential crisis? i am somehow, both. this has been my useless rant of the day. take care yall and stay hydrated (but NOT OVERHYDRATED just found out that that was a thing WHAT???) and ill see you in my next mental breakdown. bye !! xx

hey everybody!! it's been a while hasn't it? hahah anywayyy GUESS WHAT!!
last week was lesbian visibility day/week and guess what I did.... I FINALLY CAME OUT PUBLICLY!!! I'm pretty proud of myself honestly. if I had known today but a year ago that I would be out by now??? i wouldn't have believed it. parcially bc I wasn't even out to myself at the moment. that's quite odd isn't it? I'm supposed to know who I am and what I want at this point but apparently I didn't HAHAHA i confirmed that I'm a lesbian, after watching the movie "but I'm a cheerleader" (and that's why it's so important to me). not only bc I developed the BIGGEST crush on clear duvall (clea duvall, if you are seeing this - and I know u are - marry me.), but because I saw megan and I saw myself. i felt so seen and identified with that film, that I finally came to terms with the fact that I, indeed, had gotten tHe gAy. i didn't tell anybody really (besides from my best friend that I had come out as bi to a year before), but I think the first time I actually admitted it was in a tweet. ah, how special (https://twitter.com/shutupfern/status/1338245313690279938?s=20 here's the tweet if u wanna see it btw)
after that, I felt better, but still I had something inside me telling me I was faking it. and telling me it was gross for me to feel like that. i don't know why, I've never been homophobic and I've never even been taught directly by my parents that gay people are gross? furthermore, my UNCLE is gay. and we have always had the best relationship for as long as I can remember. i guess society's expectations were just a little bit stronger. and I stayed in the closet for months; didn't even tell my then therapist.
but!!! i came out as non straight in December (I think?? dates are always so blurry to me, especially from that time) to my parents, some months later to my big and little brother, and then to the world. i couldn't be happier. honestly, if you're thinking of coming out (and u arent in a dangerous environment, of course) do it!! it feels so good to finally be able to live your life to its truest form. if you cant/dont want to: don't. don't rush yourself to do something you don't want to or may hurt u (and that goes for anything really, not just gay shit).

ahhhh anyway! I'm quite happy; aaaalthough, I've never been more stressed about school HAHAHA see I wasn't so mentally stable after all!!
ah, I just think college and sat's (they're called another thing in my country but, eh) seem like such a high mountain to climb and its terrifying. but I hope one day ill look back and be happy that I never gave up.

woah. i got all CHEESY THERE EWWWWWWW anyway how have u been doing!! in terms of covid, my country is uh.. worse than it was last year. which is sad and scary. i hope it all goes away soon, too many ppl are dying.

i hope you're doing alright and that ur staying hydrated bc

WATER
IS
E V E R Y T H I N G

but yeah! stay safe out there, drink some water, do ur homework but most importantly, take care of yourself. peace outttt xx

HELLO!! im sorry ive been a little inactive here! i went back to class, so I have less time on my hands. I'm in 11th grade now :O so I reaaally gotta work harder to get better grades.

anywho, guess what happened:/ my country's covid cases have been going up. we are just as bad as we were at the BEGINNING of the pandemic, last year. if not worse. it's kinda terrifying and discouraging. the government put a lockdown for most of the country. on one hand, it feels safer? of course, not having people walking around is going to, hopefully, make the number of cases go down. but I can't help but feel sad. i know it's selfish, but to just go back to how we were last year, it's kinda scary. i thought this would be over by now. but hey, at least we have a vaccine now, right?

OH SPEAKING OF!!! I GOT THE FUCKING VACCINE YALLLLL :DDD i got my first Pfizer shot!! i am so so happy. to be quite honest with you, I have (as many of us have) been waiting for even the slightest hint of a solution to this whole mess. and the fact that I just took the first step, feels good for a change. my shoulder is a bit sore, I won't lie. but it feels like I exercised u know??? but like only with my shoulder? HAHAHHA THAT MAKES NO SENSE WHATSOEVER

this year of school really has felt like a challenge, I won't sugarcoat it, but I'm very excited about it? it feels like when you want to jump into a pool but you're super scared of getting cold and wet? but then you're body gets used to the temperature of the water KSDJFNDJKF WHY AM I USING SO MANY WEIRD METAPHORES TODAY IM SO SORRY.

but yeah! how have you been? is covid gone in your country, or are you just as toast as I am? i hope its the first one:/

I hope yall have had a good day, and that you are eating well and drinking lots of water!

later days! xoxo

// abuse

this is a poem i wrote to my abuser, may he burn in hell<3

       I hate you.

I hate you, you and your drugstore perfume.
The smell of the cheap wine you used to drink still haunts me at midnight.
I hate the smell of cigarettes, cause it reminds me of what I lost that night.

You stole my childhood, you stole a part of me,
feeling like a monster, when in fact that’s just what you were to me.

You worthless, tiny old man,
when you left, I won’t lie; I felt glad.

You broke me all inside.

Even my forgiveness won’t be enough,
for you will burn and burn.

Here´s to every kid that lost their innocence,
by a deadly creature that comes crawling in the dark.

You left me withered,
made me think I was dreaming.

I know you’ll never read this
‘cause you’re six feet underground
but I hope all your demons,
will haunt you for what you’ve done.

// COVID TALK

is it normal to feel this frustrated all the time? I'm just,, okay here's the deal

in my country, kids are going back to school. irl. yep.

ofc I'm not going, and I'm not judging anyone who is like as long as u take care u go!!!

HOWEVER

THERE ARE ALREADY SCHOOLS CLOSING AGAIN BC KIDS GOT INFECTED AS SOON AS THEY WENT BACK TO SCHOOL.

AND ITS LIKE,,, I ALREADY SAW IT COMING BITCH SDKFJBSFDK HOW COME THE GOVERNMENT DIDNT?????

they are trying so hard to get everything back to normal when hey! we ain't ready to go back yet.

its annoying, bc when you have quarantined most of last year AND 2021, seeing shit like this just reminds you how long its gonna be til you can finally go back to normal.

I'm just annoyed. I'm frustrated. my government's role in the pandemic has truly been fkn useless. i sure hope we can get through this.

anyway, didn't wanna bum u out with this, but I had to get it off my chest. how has YOUR day been! i hope good! is covid too bad in you country? i really do hope everyone is staying safe and STILL taking the precautions to not get infected. maybe one day we will all look back on this like a fever dream hahashas

go drink some water boo!!! and wear! ur! masks!

peace out, home fry
xoxo

omg HEY HELLO!!! im so sorry i kinda ghosted yall SDKJFDSFN i havent been here that much bc I had summer vacations! it was good to have a break tbh, I'm feeling way better now!

UPDATE ON MY DATE!!! guess what! it didn't work out:/ turns out we wanted to very different things, and also she wasn't meant for me yk? but there is someone for me out there, I just know it :D

also YALL I CUT MY HAIRRRRR I'm feeling so gorgeous truly, and this is one of the biggest gender euphoria rushes i have ever had IM SO HAPPYKSDJFNKDSJFNDSJKFN here are some pics! (I sure hope the links work, haven't done this in a while KJDSFKJN):

https://i.vgy.me/nXTdtT.jpg
https://i.vgy.me/0WbYGx.jpg

also im changing my room aesthetic! i got some paint, a new desk and chair, etc. kinda like a more cottage core aesthetic if u will? anyway, ill post some pics on here when its done!

anywho, I hope you all are doing good too! love yall REMEMBER 2 STAY HYDRATED!!

XOXO

hey!! i just figured out how to post pics. pls lmk if it works!! anyway I just wanted to show u I felt cute asf yesterday!! so I'm wearing the exact same thing today:)
how have yall been!! I've been feeling good lately, who would have known! :D
oh! drink water and stay safe today <3

https://i.vgy.me/WecxCx.jpg
https://i.vgy.me/pspLre.jpg
https://i.vgy.me/O1WAMZ.jpg
https://i.vgy.me/bcpBUY.jpg
https://i.vgy.me/lORQ7k.jpg
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https://i.vgy.me/Q60VCV.jpg

omg hey yall! im back :D im sorry its been a little while since I've posted a blog here. since I'm in school break now, I've been trying to not be so addicted to technology hahaha. speaking of!!! my phone broke:( that sucks but hey, cant say i didn't see it coming. i have dropped it many times before and its like 3 years old, which is a lot in today's phone age hahah i gotta save up some money to buy a new one which blows:(

anywho!! guess what...
.
.
.

I WENT ON MY FIRST DATE EVER!!!! it was with this girl i know from school and choir, and we had a nice picnic we ate a carrot cake I baked AND,,,, wait for it.... we held hands :) she isn't my gf yet, we are taking it slow, but it felt so lovely. it just felt right, yk? im sorry, i don't like to admit it but im kind of a hopeless romantic KJSDFDSJFN its embarrassing, i know.

I've been getting new clothes and yk changing up my style, and I've been feeling GREAT about myself!! I may post pics with some new outfits on here if i ever figure out how to css that JKSDFDJNG

ALSO I've been practicing guitar a lot lately, been writing some new songs so i might put out music of my own one of these days!! that makes me so excited tbh. like i know no one will hear it, but to know it will be OUT there, for ppl to hear it and discover... its really something.

anywayyyy, I've been feeling better lately. has the internalized homophobia and fatphobia gone away completely??? hell to the no. BUT I've gotten better at controlling that, and im proud of myself for that. and for the first time, im not guilty of being proud of myself.

things are shaping up bright for me, and im excited for the future (ignoring yk, the state of the world right now which, btw WTF????? im scared :D)

i hope yall have been thrivinggg!! and if u arent, well u can always come up to me and ill try to help u out asap. lets make this platform brighter and brighter.

drink some water, stay safe out there and take care of yourselves. also omg tysm for all the friends!!! feeling like im famous around here wow :D

love yall <3

hey! im gonna rant about being gay so if you're not into that.... stop reading idk lol

okay first of all,,, GIRLS ARE SO PRETTY??? OMG??? like ok lemme explain. when i thought i was straight, i only liked boys bc i thought that was my only choice. however, when i like a girl its like I LIKE HER u know??? its like... idk. its so different.

also INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA IS A BITCHHHH im so tired of feeling disgusting for being who i am. and i know me being gay isnt a bad thing!! but its society man, it has ingrained that in our brains from birth.

ALSO idk if anyone else has gone through this but like... i came out as bi to my parents right? i know very clearly that i have no attraction to men. HOWEVER i cant get myself to say the word lesbian (in my native language) out loud. and it makes me so angry bc its who i am, i shouldnt be ashamed of that. but that word has been so sexualized and demonized throughout my entire life. its so hard to escape from that.

idk where i was going w this blog honestly, i just wanted to rant about dumb stuff i go through.

anyway, how are yall!!! ive been doing good! today a pretty girl followed me so like :') im feeling great ahdnwjd
drink some water yall! love u xoxo