about me - clarification: (tw)

just yesterday i found the courage in myself to tell my therapist about my past relationships and traumatic moments. I think ive definitly become more clear in my head. its been a while since my last experience of finding myself trembling, having to think back to when i was with a 19 year old. i was reporting him to cybertip telling my story which made me have flashbacks to the intimate moments he had me be in.
it took me 11 months to finally tell myself that i shouldn't feel bad for reporting him. i was 12 about to become 13, he was the adult. it shouldn't have took him a whole week to finally get away from me. he knew from the start that it was considered pedophilia and yet he still decided to send explicit pictures of himself to me. he should have acknowledged it was wrong from the start and left before we became intimate online.
i havent had the courage to tell her about what i talked about in my past blog when i was 11, but i did tell about the boy who used my feelings of empathy and interest in him to use me as stimulation material that tried to pressure me into video calling and showing him my privates. I never did call him but to not make him feel bad i sent a video. god i was so naive looking back.
I dont feel right thinking back to these moments....it makes my hands, chest get tight and my heart pound.
I'm sorry if my post seem a bit stupid and basic b*** self diagnosing sht that a lot of edgy teenagers post for their aesthetic tumblr blog. i dont mean to make it like the teens made saying "i have depression" stigmatized.
its just easier to surround myself in stuff like that cuz it makes me feel like my thoughts/feelings aren't just my own. i dont want people to think im only making stuff up cuz i think its some sort of aesthetic. its not. its a mental illness.
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/87/6b/a6/876ba67674ccd9a4382bb2d70fa56410.jpg
please, dont assume i just do this for the aesthetic and "cuteness" of it. i only make this stuff to just express my feelings and thoughts but make them something others can enjoy as well.

im sorry for this being kind of long. i just wanted to clarify just so people didnt get the wrong idea of who i was.