3/3/21

I feel weird writing vents here. maybe I'll be comfortable writing these soon. I just want to write how I feel so far. today I feel scared, alone, and tired. scared because who know what the hell my p̶͍͓̜͕̖̙͛͒̄͠A̴̖̖̼̔R̴̢͈͇̰̫͒͑͆̓̃̒̽͋̄̕͜ḙ̷̱̗͙̾n̷͍͒̈́͐̏T̷̪̠͂̂ş̴̛̣͂̈́̌̿ will do to me. im fucking trapped in this house. I feel alone because the people who are supposed to be there for ṁ̶̰̻͇̯̦̩̫̰ͅͅE̴̢̜̳̩̖̗̖̚ͅ always hurt me. I feel tired because no matter how much I try, im never good enough. im sick of it. I never live up to the high expectations that everyone in my family wants to achieve. I never end up getting good enough grades which always end up to me getting physically hurt by my p̶̧̧̺̗͈̠̠͖͙̩͛͆͝a̶̱̻̥̝̪̳͓̣̾̏R̵̖̺̦̼̯̺̩̤͉̅̓̇̄̅̎e̶̢̛̩͚̹̩͓̊̈̏̒̑̽̓̽̕n̷̡̝͕̝̰̘̠̤̈̐͒̍͐́͜͝t̷̬̱̩̞̖̥̓͂͊̆̑̓͝Ş̶̳̼̬͕͖̞̯̣͔̑. it hurts. it really does. because I always want to make them proud. I wish they could see that I try to do my best. at this point it's only for them and not for me. I have difficulty learning because I have ADHD, my doctors told my parents what they should do about it. but it only made them angrier and more strict. they don't even try to help me because it's "just a made-up disease by the government to give them more money.". my social anxiety doesn't make this any better. I want help from my teachers but I always end up having an anxiety attack which then leads to a panic attack. my P̷̥̿̏̈̊̈́̓̂͘̕͠ä̵̝̗́̒̍̄̓̒r̷̤̘͓̼̳͂̈́̃͒̃̈́͒̓̇E̶̳̼̰̫̬͋͘͝N̶̨͍͕̠̖̰̳̝̒͑̋̆̆̓̿̈̌̚t̵͇̟̯̮͕͌̍̈̐̒̕s̶̡̛͍̩̤̝̰͕̯ think im faking it too. I try my best to finish my tasks and to do them as perfectly as I possibly can. im always pressured and compared to other kids in my classes. it's always a constant battle between me and the world. and I might just willingly give up.