Serious stuff

I know i’ve made awful self-depreciation jokes in the past but I guess i want to let it out here now.
Where should I start? Oh, I’m autistic with ADHD and other mental shit. I fucking hate myself.
I hate every little thing about myself.
I sometimes want to die.
Why must I be this way?
I don’t get it, Why? just why? I just HAD to get some mental disorder and after I figured out I had it two years ago, I was never the same. Maybe I might’ve been better off not knowing that I did have “it” You see how I keep avoiding saying “it?” That’s because I don’t want to be reminded about “it”. What is my purpose? To fuck shit up? Because I’m doing a damn good job at that. I know that some people with “it” are proud to have it and that’s good for them, I can’t find a single reason to be proud of “it” when it just makes you more per say, “special”. Is this why I’m so pathetic and lonely all the time which led to the creation of this account almost a year ago? Probably. Is this why I find dumb shit so funny sometimes? Yes. I honestly find no value in myself other than being a waste of resources.
That’s it.
(Please don’t mention “it” in the comments)