this is for everyone who hurt me, youll never see this & in some ways that comforting but it also really jus sucks. im so tired of being alone. everyone comes to me when they needs things expecting me to be the strong one. they all think that im off so well or that ill be okay be i always say i will be but i wont. i cant smile anymore or fake it, i lose sleep even when im actually doing it, & my words are a mess but so am i.
i fear that im not a good person anymore. i used to think my heart was so full of love for everyone that it was overflowing & that i had enough to give everyone, but i dont. i have jus enough for everyone but myself.
my life isnt bad but its hard, going through everything i did as a kid fucked me up in the wrong places & i still cant seem to look for the better.
but how does all of this connect ?
i wna live with my mom, i wna have live not lust, i wna be able yo be sober for a full day & actually enjoy it, i want a genuine hug not because im sad but because its something they want to give me. i jus wna be wanted.
i want to be wanted to be needed but ill never be something remotely important to anyone. everyone in my life has gone without me before & they were completely fine.

it was you who brought me to comfort with myself , it was you who showed me that there’s another type of love . the type of love that doesn’t exhaust me when i give my all , the type of love that showed me that i was worthy of what i have , the type of love that made me comfortable in my own skin . the type of love that makes me want to stay clean, get out of bed, go take a shower, eat, do my homework. this type of love comes with one negative when you feel like you arent enough you it seems as if youre going to be let go of . i know this is only high school but the first time you held me in your arms it felt as if i was laying on clouds out of reach from everyone who tried to hurt me . it is the safest place ive ever been in . in those moments of you holding me i knew i was safe from everyone including myself .

ill never know how to say thank you for the compassion you show me even when i feel like youre upset with me, i can never spout enough sorrys for how clingy i am or how i always want to be with you or touching you, i just fear that one day i won’t get that touch again .