i dont know

i dont even know if i actually want to kill myself. its just like i dont want to exist. and the only way for that to happen right now is me to do it myself. and i know i cant. its like if i kill myself what will my parents think. i dont ever tell them anything is wrong tso they just have to draw conclusions and wonder why and the only thing thats wrong is me. like everything in my life is fine. im the only problem and how do i justify living or find a reason to keep getting up everyday. i just dont know what to do. or how to change.