~grieving those who are still alive~

I went to therapy today and it was the hardest session that I've been through so far. I think my therapist was trying to encourage me to cry, or at least to have the option out there. I've been having trouble with my mom again. I thought we had things going so well for so long, but things got difficult again; some things that aren't even my fault. She (my therapist) said it's the hardest to feel grief for those who are still alive. My mother should love me unconditionally, even if I've made mistakes as a child. When you keep resurfacing those mistakes that already happened, you are putting guilt into someone's life. I feel guilty, I feel like a burden, I feel like my self-esteem stems from my mom. It's always something, and I'm always making mistakes. I'm tired of it, I don't live my life to fit your idea of who you want me to be. I'm going to be myself, and if you don't like it, then that's something you need to work on, not mine. I want to build a stable relationship with you, I've tried. But you're immature and so fucking selfish I can't keep putting in most of the effort. I can't keep being guided into stability and unstable, I'd much rather just have you be unreasonable with me cuz it would make moving on so much easier... I just want you to be a mom, someone who supports my emotions, someone who cares, something real and not a facade. I want to go to you about my problems and let me cry on your shoulder. But maybe you just don't fit my idea of a mother,,,maybe I'll find the mother I need in other people who are willing to care about me. Maybe being a mother wasn't your best fit in the first place.