That broke my heart

She came back after a few days. Her mom took her phone. A lot has happened since my last post... I told her I loved her, she got upset at me for stalking her on social media while she was gone, they told me they didn't like me anymore, then suddenly she said she loved me. When she said she loved me I was so happy and I felt so alive... Then it came crashing down. My partner asked them if they really loved me cause they knew that I was madly inlove with her, and she told my partner that they loved me as a friend... This is something I had no idea about. We had talked about being together again and that we would try and repair the chances at us being together after she was upset about me finding their social medias. Today I am unsure of what to do. I know I love her but should I just go and try to heal? I find it heartbreaking that she told me she loved me but without the context of friendship... I feel mislead and hurt. Nothing hinted at it being just friendship especially when I keep telling her how much I want to hold her hand and just kiss her pretty face. I feel like an idiot... This happens to often to me that I need to start being more careful with my feelings and stop telling someone when I fall so hard, even if I can't avoid my insane feelings. At least I have liquor to turn to during this sad time, but idk if my liver can handle it after my previous doctors visit when I was told my liver was failing. idk if I care anymore, I just want the pain to go away. I think todays the day when I let her go and tell her goodbye. Delete her on everything and let her find someone she actually loves and that loves her back the same way. Meanwhile, I have my partner to hold onto but I wish I wasn't so polyamorous so I could just be happy with where I'm at. I will prob not look for anyone for a while and just drown in my own sadness. This post probably sounds like a bunch of garbage and that I deserve this for being a dumb bitch but I want to vent my feelings somewhere, as I can't express them normally... Goodbye all my fantasies with you. No picnic in the cemetery by my place, no holding hands in public while I try to make you laugh at my jokes, no dancing in the rain to punk pop music, no cuddling and watching anime, no longer will I be able to rest my head on your lap while I watch you play video games... Goodbye.