*VENT* (DO NOT READ IF YOU GET UPSET

life is so big.
i can't help but look the universe in the eyes and ask her why i'm still here.
why am i here at all. why is my appearance one that has to make a presence in such an unsettling life. i cant help but want to go. and i feel like a baby for feeling that the world is weighing heavy on my shoulders, because people still have it worse, even though it's all about perspective. it's easier for me not to make this apparent though. not push it all down, but enough so i don't hurt everyone i know. how can i want to die when all i have is good? some of it's been tough and continues to be, but why does it feel like torture? i want to learn to love life, but every mistake, tear, argument, stressful situation, feels like 10,000,000 steps backwards. am i overly emotional, or is it their fault for me being that way? i've figured out that the sobbing fits filled with suicidal thoughts are actually anxiety attacks. hence the heart palpitations, short of breath, fatigue, tears, fight or flight and suicidal thoughts/ideation. i'm in so much pain. and i don't want to hurt the people i love that love me, that why i know i cant go, but its so hard, and im too scared. i wouldn't go to that extent but everytime i have a new anxiety or panic attack, i become a step closer to convincing myself that would be the best route.