[Rant/Vent] ;-;

Context: i am currently questioning my gender because i currently feel i dont identify with my assigned gender at birth. My family know nothing about this other than that i used to have a massive tomboy phase.

So, me and my brother were talking about random stuff and my mum calls us over saying "boys, come here" (probably just a mistake or said for the sake of simplicity). Now, this made me quite happy as i really liked the way this sounded and i responded "ayyy, she accepts me as one of the boys" (i often joke about being trans to my family when situations like this occur as a way to tell them im currently questioning without actually telling them ya know?). Well that was all fine and dandy, my comment was just shrugged off as an odd joke but then i took it a step further than usual. I asked my mum if she "would still love me if i were a boy" (asked in a normal tone, not serious or joking) and her immediate facial reaction was a look of disgust which soon turned back to a more neutral facial expression. A silence lasted for a few more seconds (which at the time felt like a whole minute to me) before she said "well i know you're a girl so that doesn't matter" in a very dismissive, sort of annoyed or aggravated tone. I wasn't expecting her to be all "oh its fine, i love you no matter what" but the look of disgust on her face just hurt. i dont really know what i was expecting but just not that.

Ehhhh now this is all im going to be thinking about for days. ghdjshbd just as i was thinking about buying a binder to experiment with how i feel.