Just realized how weird I am

in case the title cut off (I'm too lazy to check if it's 40 characters), the title says 'Just realized how weird I am'
(edited segment) also this is a loooooooooooong post, apologies in advance, it's likely not worth your time unless you care about me for some reason lol (edited segment finish)
anyway

I just noted how
peculiar
my personality is
reason I say this is because I have all the energies of the dank memer, the Anarchist, the closeted kinda quiet kid, the class clown, and the smart kid thrown into a pot and stirred with the chemical X of being an extrovert
These aren't even separate personalities
This is just what my personality is in general lol
I have no clue how to even describe it
I've honestly kinda always been terrified of going to a psychiatrist because even though I've been telling myself my whole life I'm a terrible person and such, I'm kinda terrified of just being told it by a professional
I spend so so so much time trying to make life better for others, then at the end, I don't even feel good, because even though I did it with good intentions my mind goes "Nope! You did it so that others don't call you selfish, you maggot." yet at the same time, I feel good because even apart from my struggles, even if it were for selfish reason (which it isn't[?]), others still benefited from it
and while I take that positive from it, my brain goes back to saying the same thing
Some days I'm super wholesome, others I appear edgy
but I'm just going through this same thing every day
this same stupid cycle
of basically my brain asking me these questions:

Are you worthless?
>if no, reevaluate, fucking maggot
>if yes, stop self pitying, fucking maggot

I don't even sleep most nights because it's just this kind of question over and over
While I want to justify it with something positive, another side of me doesn't want myself to get that satisfaction
Like my brain doesn't want me to turn into a monster like my parents or something..
and while I try to detract a positive from that too, my brain still argues with itself

I even started this blog post as a sort of extension of my bio but it's turned more into a sort of self discovery diary page in a way

I think the reason I love self affirmations so goddamned much is because it's not something my brain is telling me, it's not something for me to feel guilty for, like how everything else feels.

my mind often balances in a sort of bipolarity, but not even emotion-wise, but more as a

Are you feeling good about yourself?
>if yes, stop that, piece of trash. You can't have that kind of narcissism
>if no, stop pitying yourself and 'trying' to get others to fall for that shit

even though none of it is an act, none of it is a trick, and I'm well aware of this

it's still what my brain says

I am even forcing myself to post this because now that I've wrote so much, my brain is telling me I'm a selfish narcissist for merely having anyone read all of this junk

I want to say please tell me I'm not the only one like this, but I also don't want others to have to suffer with this qwq

Also if you got this far, thank you, it truly means a lot to me :) /gen

and on that note, goodbye random reader and/or Drails

signed,
loooong poster