All around the world, we see it. A monstrous force destroying the foundations of American society. The culprit: The Left. You see, bagels are a staple of American culture. They were brought by European immigrants on their way to making a land of freedom and prosperity. But like all things, the Left has no consideration for American values. There is a disturbing trend among businesses in places like New York, Chicago, and California -- some of the most democratic places in this country -- of putting pizza in bagels! You heard me right. The Left can't even support something as simple as traditional Judeo-Christian bagels, so they infuse pizza into them! Now you may ask, Dennis, are you sure that this is politically motivated? Well, I can assure you that this isn't just a coincidence. You see, "pizza" sounds a lot like a particular male sex organ! And who eats pizza bagels the most? That's right, men! So it's obvious that the Left's destruction of bagel traditions is in fact an attempt to turn America's men -- our soldiers, our firefighters, our police officers -- gay! So next time you're at your local coffee shop and you see a leftist munching away on a pizza bagel, know the political agenda he's really trying to push. I'm Dennis Prager.

your mom, haha (get it?)