Vent.

I think this is the only form of social media that my mom doesn't look at, not only because its not an app but because she doesn't know I have an account on this. So I'm just gonna vent here :/

I've been feeling really bad for the past year or so. My room gets really messy and ugly as I get worse, and when I feel a little better I clean it to the best that I can. My mom's taken notice that I'm not doing so good, but gets mad because of it. One night, she and my step-were lecturing me about my grade, which have gone down this last year, and brought out a pair of brand new Doc Martens that I have been wanting for AGES. They said that they won't give me them until I bring up my grades and that if I don't I'll be sent to Mexico with my dad. I'm not a big fan of my dad anymore, I've grown and realized his mistakes. I've realized how rude he can be. I do not like it over there. So I cried. I broke down in front of my parents, for the first time EVER. They've never seen me cry like I did that night even though that's how most of my cries come out. I only let them out in my room though, I don't like crying in front of others. I've also gone through a lot of things on my own so I know how to keep to myself. I do try to raise my grades, I try really hard but I just can't. I get work done and then more just piles up. So it gets overwhelming really easily. And I haven't self diagnosed but I really want to go get tested for ADHD/ADD. I showed slight hints of it back in elementary, but my mom never believed them.

I don't think I've ever had a conversation with her about how I feel, and she tried to have one a while back but ended up yelling at me and telling me that she was gonna call a psychologist to get stuff out of me because I couldn't find the words to describe my feelings. Every time I've tried talking to her she shuts me up or out, so it's hard for me to talk correctly. I get talked over at school by my friends and I'm usually very quiet during class. When she was around my age, her dad was abusive and I think she needs help as well, I feel like it has impacted her adult life and the way she raises my sister and I. She yells a lot, doesn't take her time to understand us [sister, stepdad, and I]. My room is not as much as a big mess as it usually is. I washed all of the clothes that was piled in the corner of my room, I washed my sheets, tossed out trash, picked up my floor. The only "messes" in my room is my desk, my futon [which only has blankets and bags on it], and a pile of trash I have to sweep up later today. My mom went into my room this morning after I left to school and texted me saying that she was going to throw away my tapestries, stuffed animals, and all of my décor because she couldn't understand why it was such a mess.

{ the message in question; "Seriously your room is disgusting when I get home today I'm going to throw everything away don't think I'm going to live in your room is a desk whatever Electronics in your bed everything else your tarp your nick-nacks your book everything I'm fucken turn it away and I guess I seriously cannot believe how disgusting your room is how disgusting that you can live like that" }

Its fairly clean, I cleaned a lot of it last night. I stayed up until 1 AM to clean what I could quietly because I didn't want her to yell at me for being awake so late and waking her up. I was planning to clean the rest of it later today when I got home. She also takes away all my devices when I get bad grades and when my room is messy. She threatens to toss out our cats, well, MY cats.

I want to get a job around this summer for my birthday, I turn 14 this year. I want to be able to depend on myself so I'm looking for jobs and studying for my permit. I told her about my friend giving me and application she had for the Sonic here, and so I took it because I wanted a job! The only thing I know that sucks about our Sonic is that the manager is RUDE, so I don't understand why she's so aggressive.