connections, colors and friendship

I keep on trying to write down my thoughts. They are so loud in my head i feel like i go deaf for a moment. It's weird because in my head i am able to create this net of issues, problems, disorders, illnesses. But the moment i am about to write something about my experiences. i forget. just like that the net disappears from under my fingers. i don't know why. i form these sentences in my head, well they are more like songs. sentences that are long and the words are consistent and sometimes it even rhymes. yet here i am. writing about my difficulty about saying exactly how i feel. i do feel like words limit they way i communicate. i always think in colors and shapes and sizes and all those thing. despite the fact that my color palette is quite scarce. i often fill in colors in my head. brown is red and red is brown. green is yellow and yellow is green. purple is like blue and blue is like pink which also looks like purple that looks like blue. i know some consider it a curse. i don't. it opens my eyes in some way to try to imagine new colors. i refuse to ever wear one of those glasses that are supposed to cure me. absolutely not. anyway. i seem to have trailed away. i'm sorry. i keep on apologizing for things i shouldn't. why do i do that. i always want to seem polite. i fucking hate it when people tell me otherwise. you know why? because deep inside i'm really not. i'm really what some would consider a bad person. i don't ever really trust people and i only force myself to feel bad when i throw them away. because that's what i do - i throw people away the moment they start getting too close or it is too inconvenient for me to keep them around. i have a very small circle around me and the only person that fits inside my personal circle is me. i am the only one. i don't need people to survive. i am very well able to sustain myself. some people need constant reassurance from their friends. they are not able to create a life for themselves. they make friends and expect something, they fall in love and lock someone with them. i don't have the time for that. if i can barely trust my own mind to think i'm real how am i supposed to trust anyone else. it doesn't make sense. how does a human make a connection with another human. i think this is what kind of differentiates me from my class peers. i don't need them and they only think for a split second that i need them. i don't. and i don't mean this to put myself on a pedestal or any other bullshit like that. i only trust the forces of the fucking earth and that's it. no one else. no matter how important i might make you seem in my life, you are not. i will eventually throw you out. one way or another. it will either be the moment i die or the moment i just stop responding. which will happen eventually. i only interact when i'm bored that's it. i'm not looking for some kind of acceptance or understanding. there is no such thing. only if you had access to my direct thoughts would you have that. and you never will.