recap- 3/31/21

trigger warning... I guess.

yesterday sucked. yet another panic attack. it happens every day. I want it to stop. but I guess I'm the one who got myself here in the first place. I wish I could spend more time here, but y'know, not everything is meant to last. I was just born at the wrong time. Everything I used to know is now gone. It's all different now. I wish it wasn't. I wish that people didn't have to be judged for who they were. I wish that people could freely share their thoughts and opinions without being sent death threats. I wish that people respected others. I wish that people would love each other and bring themselves up. I wish society wasn't so biased on what you look like and what you do. I wish the education system existed for you to choose what you wanted to do when you grow up instead of feeding you white-washed history. I wish that there wasn't any racism. I wish people would respect who others love. I wish people could respect boundaries. I wish people could stop staring at me. I wish that I never see Justin again. I wish to say sorry to that little girl because I didn't mean it. I wish I could see Sophie again before she died. I wish that I can see Mom and Dad stop fighting. I wish to watch my brother grow up. I wish my parents didn't hurt me anymore. I wish to not be a part of the 95%

I wish that I was just gone.

it sucks. I'm living a nightmare. I want to wake up now and see that it was never real. I want to become a therapist for others, but it'll probably never happen. I want to move into a big city and enjoy living in a tall building, but we all know that dream is far-fetched. I wish I could travel the world and see how others live their life, but of course, it's not like I could ever do that.

so what am I doing now? giving up. It's my only option. I don't want to go to hell for taking my own life. I'm not super religious but it's scary. I know many people have it worse than me. Some people don't have homes, food, clean water, clothes, etc. But I have all that and I'm still a fucking failure. That's why I'm giving up. Because I've disappointed everyone. and I've disappointed myself. This isn't supposed to be edgy or 'omg im so depressed plz give me compliments and tell me to not do it!!1 xx'. I just can't do this anymore. if I can't do it now then I won't be able to in the future.