7 years behind

this weird feeling of not having the same experiences of people my age... half of my generation hasn't had their first kiss while the other is sitting at 20 bodies (which is perfectly ok).. but why do i fall closer to the left side... i've had my first kiss but it wasn't real, if you understand what i mean by that. every kiss i have had was joking around or playing a game, none of them had any sort of feelings attached. i start to blush at the thought of someone liking me because in my mind i still look the same as i did in middle school. no one can find me pretty and no one ever will. if someone ever says that im beautiful i think i might just drop dead. but i might as well just not believe them, because it would just feel out of pity... they have to say it, they just feel bad. they don't actually think that i am attractive they just feel the need to tell me because it's something that our society does. but all i am is this hopeless romantic who has a longing for this beautiful love because of films and music (thanks pride and prejudice). will someone ever love me the way that darcy loves elizabeth, the way edward loves bella. maybe love doesn't exist like that. maybe it's just going to be this mediocre love that i'll have to suffer through for the rest of my life. i don't want that... no one does.

so my lack of experience and my longing for more has lead me to believe that i am at least 7 years behind the rest of my generation. i'm stuck in the stage of loving hsm and twilight. i guess that means that for now i'll just continue to sit in my room, on my laptop, spewing my thoughts onto the internet... to people who i don't know, and who don't care... but knowing that at least these thoughts will be freed from my mind for a little while longer. <4