what i did today

woke up at 6 AM and immediately felt a sense that something was missing. then i remembered, "oh, yeah. ██████'s dead. i live alone now." ever since her funeral about a month ago, this was how i almost always woke up. either this or with the feeling of "i wanna kill myself". i binged my food and left the dishes piled up in the sink (i still haven't washed them lol).

had a lot of stuff to do but for some reason my mind and body wouldn't cooperate. it's not that i didn't want to do my tasks (i kinda didn't ngl) but what was holding me back was something akin to drowning and resurfacing only to drown again.

ended up finding a lazy way to accomplish my tasks for the day and i spent the rest of my time looking up and watching banned, fucked-up movies. one i found on a website completely in chinese and now that i think about it i really should've used a vpn or something.

i can't say life is getting better since i'm still 17 kgs. overweight and my house is a mess but at least i'm still me and despite it all i still have some of my sanity and reason intact.