i hate my mom so fucking much

secret letter

dear mom, therapy was good today
i talked about my grades, and my friends, and the cabin we just left last year
remember the carpenter bees?
i was so afraid of them, id run and hide under your arm
hoping you would shield me from anticipated pain
and instead receiving a harsh chastising
or tender embrace
or nothing but silent neglect.

as it turns out, only the females can sting you
                ironic, isn’t it?
only you and Aunt would sting me 

but at least aunt’s didn’t hurt until you told me it should
maybe her’s never really hurt
and you were just a dirty little liar
talking advantage of gullible, gullible me
your baby, your larvae, pest spawned child that isn’t yours
i’m sorry i’m not afraid of bees anymore

mom, did you know that i don’t forgive you?
if i wasn’t always the one who ruined our family name
then you would be the one owing the apology
but i’m the household nuisance,
yet i’m the one calling pest control
you’re an amalgamation of creature,
crocodile saltwater tears and grotesque stinger through my heart
good at playing human.

mom, do you remember?
it's all gone in my head
i'm sure you do, though, you wretched creature
i’m sure you can remember the rabbit-keeper killing the sparrow,
or my aunts screaming
coyote howls in our living room
bee stingers in noses and twisted paws,
insect corpses on splintering kitchen floors.
did you know that bees die after stinging just once?
their guts are wrenched out of place
like the way you crushed my skull on the fireplace
tore brain meat out
and stained the carpet red with my memories
give my fucking childhood back
please give it back, mom

dear mom, therapy was good today
she gave me journaling homework
“write down how you feel inside”
so i wrote a secret letter
i don’t think you’d like it, but
i love you anyway, mom.